Saturday, May 17, 2003

 
Finally, after a few months of not updating my blog, I don't think anyone reads this anymore. I guess now it can finally just be my PERSONAL journal.

I don't know. I have been really bummed out lately...esp. the last few weeks. It's like the kind of depression that no one can see it when they hang out with you, but when you're alone, you know deep inside that something is wrong. I know a fear of mine that might even be bigger than my fear of mice. I think I'm starting to develop a fear of being alone. I feel like I have no close friends anymore, you know. People just come and go, I can never depend on like a single friend. In moments of weakness, there is no one to talk to. All i can do is just hide in my room and go online and play with my PS2 and hope that everything will just go away. I feel like after investing all this time into church the past few years, I came out with nothing. My high school friends and I have all drifted apart, and no matter what Jonathan says about how he doesn't fit in to our high school group, I think I am actually the one that doesn't fit. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the source of problems and the source of drama. And I feel like I have put so many things before my high school friends the last few years that I don't even deserve them as friends. Moving on to college friends, I don't think I have more than 3 friends that I talk to on a normal basis, outside of EPIC. And probably not even one that I can call a close friend. I feel like if it wasn't for my commitment to church the past couple of years, I could be living a regular college life with normal college friends. To family now, I don't think anyone in my family even understands me and the stuff that is going on. I always thought moms were supposed to know everything about their kids, like they can see past all of their masks and stuff, but that is certainly not the case. The only thing that my family does is nag, nag, and nag. Do this, do that, translate this letter for me, don't ditch school, blah, blah, blah. I'm tired of their shit. I'm tired of everyone's shit. My brain is about to blow up.

So I guess the only thing I supposedly have left is my church friends. But honestly, who is really there for Chris Leung? I feel like I'm just a guy that people know on Sunday. McKay, Jonathan, Stephanie, Sarah...supposedly my closest friends in church, probably doesn't even talk to me more than 2 times during the weekdays total...even if we do talk, it's just a bunch of "how is your day...what are you doing" kinda talk, and most of the time, I have initiate these talks too. I don't know...some people might think I'm a bad friend or what not, but I can honestly say that I have tried very hard to become people's friends. I feel like every friend that I have, I have pretty much had to earn them.

I know that every close friend that I've had the past years, even if i don't talk to them much, I would still think about them a lot in the back of my mind. People like McKay, Jon, Steph, Sarah, Frank, Jaime, Cathy, Phoebe, and even Wilson...but I reallly wonder if they even think about how I'm doing once in awhile. I fee like such a minute part in everyone's life...maybe even my parents. My significance at church has greatly diminished in the past half a year or so. Now, I reevaulate where my life is, and I feel like I have nothing...nothing to hold on to, no friends, no purpose.

Sometimes, I just wish that someone would put more into a relationship with me than I do with them.

Okay, enough complaining...there I go again, I have to put my mask back on, and get ready to be a happy Chris tomorrow at church and be everyone's clown again.
posted by Chris 11:58 PM